You say no, but your body is honest.

You say no, but your body is honest.
Maybe it's because I used to make too much effort and made an advance payment.

because I have been alone for a long time, I have learned to take the bus and pull two handrails to form a stable triangle when there is no seat.

because I have been alone for a long time, I have learned not to choose the odd number in the last row when I go to the movies.

because I have been alone for a long time, I know that all the "second half price" has nothing to do with me.

because I have been alone for a long time, it is baffling to see that other couples can quarrel over a meal.

because I have been alone for a long time, all the clothes I bought are a series of black, white and gray.

because there is no one I like, I won't run to check my phone when I hear the tone of Wechat, because I know there is no you there.

because there is no one to like, drinking becomes a matter of "relieving boredom" rather than "relieving worries".

because there is no one I like, I won't cry when I listen to lovelorn songs at three o'clock in the morning.

I have no idea why I cry for those sad songs and sentimental words. I have no idea why two people talking about movies together can turn into quarrels. I have no idea why people keep their cell phones all the time for fear of missing each other's message.

I, like, really, more and more, boring.


all of a sudden, I found that I had no emotions and emotions. I finished everything like a robot every day, handing in homework, checking email, doing push, listening to music, reading books, and sleeping. Like a walking corpse, no matter how big the ups and downs of life have nothing to do with yourself, facial features have only become organs, no longer a tool to show smiles and tears.

facing the experience of love and hatred, it suddenly disappeared.

when did I realize that all my emotions were inadvertently covered with a diaphragm, and all my emotions were forcibly watered down, as if using the fading function of the filter.

when I encounter the temptation of others, I actually force myself to respond in a cold tone; when I see others cry because of a certain plot of a TV series, I am no longer as ashamed as before, ashamed of why I am not emotional. I began to think that such tears are too cheap, such emotion is too easy.

when I heard "soiling every page of poetry, kissing the most painful confession", I was obviously easily touched by the lyrics and most likely to be pulled and soaked in bitter memories because of the words. But now once I think my mind is going to be exposed, I will hold it back and tell myself to listen to the music. Don't be hypocritical. When I saw that other people could not sleep at night because they were lovelorn and could watch and cry in disorder, I would coldly tell her, "have a good sleep and live a good life. Don't be hypocritical."

when I was so competitive and wanted to possess, I even began to give in unconditionally and surrender directly when I was fighting for something that happened to meet the same needs of others. The voice at the bottom of my heart was anger and crying, but what I said was, "here you are. I don't care."

I think I'm getting worse.

A few months ago, the eel whale wrote an article "who told you that life doesn't need to be hypocritical" (with a hyperlink at the end). Because life is always monotonous, we should have a sense of touch when life is always monotonous. We should write poetry when it rains, take an outing when it clears up, and "make life poetic with details".

and I often say to others, "I always insist that emotion is more real than reason", so I never mind that I receive a lot of feedback and comments that "Tong c's words are so hypocritical". But it turns out that what goes deeper is not the burst of emotion, but the fact that I have automatically become less and less moved, indifferent and numb among those who have loved and hated, and selfishness and desolation began to fade my feelings.

I wonder if I did something wrong, or that I was changed innocently.

I should also have a vision and imagination for young lovers, an obvious impulse for childish and semi-mature love and hate, a determination to break through the regular life of being single, and a romantic groundwork for future encounters. But these are all prefixed by me with "I am clear".

shit, I really don't want to do this.

I hate that this fate will change me. I also want to have the determination to live after death and the courage to burn my bridges, because I still want to love and hate passionately.

but I can't do it. I can't shout.

A deep sense of powerlessness is like a rolling wave that drags a non-swimmer into the sea, below sea level where you can't see, I try to struggle, I try to color my emotions, I try to shout, but I guess I'm going to die.

I know it will.

whether this defense mechanism is protecting me or suppressing me.

I am trying to wrap up my emotions, because those moments that were easy to move in the past are also easy to bring sequelae and countless sleepless nights. I try not to feel emotions and desires in order to avoid pain and hurt. But this process of avoidance has cost me more effort, and it can even be said to advance me in the future. This kind of so-called self-protection, there are gains and losses.

the previous article "Sorry, I can't wait" was turned by a teacher from Dongguan worker, and then she said to me, "the protective cocoon you weave is too thick and too many layers, and there will always be someone to help you fade layer by layer. It's a hard and challenging process, but you have to believe that you have to wait for the person who is willing to accept you like this."

I said, "it's hard for me to believe that right now, but I'll remember that and I'll tell you when it's done."

for you, I will break through this fence.

make enemies with me day by day

give me sobriety every night

Why not knock on my silence

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Gently blame me

Why not lose both sides